A Sinner's Prayer.

Dear infant, toddler, adolescent, teenage, and elderly Jesus,

I figured i'd just address all of you to prevent this prayer from being returned like that check i used to pay my tithes last week. Anyhow anyway lord, here i am about to begin yet another year upon your green Earth. Now before I begin, i would just like you to confirm my identity. Nothing personal, but I would hate for you to mistake me for the Jatavius 2 streets over lord, for he sells drugs, but no sin is greater than the other *lights blunt*. I ask that you bind up this spirit of promiscuousness, please help me to go by the guidelines we set last New Year's which was Paying Customers Only. You'll also be pleased to know that i've decided to start attending church again. The bible says "seek & you shall find" so i am doing just that. I heard through the grapevine that the church house is home to plenty of eye candy with benefits & 401ks. Further more...hold that though Lord, its a damn Jehovah's Witness at the door. *cocks pistol* 

(10minutes later) 

I'm back lord, i apologize for that brief intermission for i know that you are a very busy man. I bet your phone is ringing off the hook wit them Maury contestants. Or how bout the Christians who send you those 2hr prayers. Awful right? But with all this said, i ask that you watch over and keep my family and i throughout this year. Its a lot of crazy people in this world including myself, but im a different kind of crazy. Then again you created me so you already knew that. Well God, i have to go now. I put my Beyonce DVD on pause for this and quite frankly i have to pee. Hope to hear from you soon. 

Love, 

Your Child.