Head Hussy in Charge

The fact that Dionne Warwick hasnt been in a recording studio since blacks had to enter from the back of buildings is irrelevant to her presence on Celebrity Apprentice. Dionne is the true definition of old classy cunt. But then again, you cant help but demand respect when you are PERCHED in your deaconess power suit with a face tighter than a stretched plastic bag. This hussy has been readin people their rights and slangin that puss around this here Earth since 1940. Here is a interview i has with the Head Hussy herself after being fired from Celebrity Apprentice.

Jesus Secretary: My my my, its a pleasure to meet you Mrs. Warwick.
Dionne: Mrs? Hussy do you see a ring on my finger?
Jesus Secretary: Well i jus assumed--
Dionne: Honey, the word "ASSume" dervies from the word "ASSwhoopin"
Jesus Secretary: How would you like me to address you?
Dionne: Legend.
Jesus Secretary: i apoligize....So how was your experience on Celebrity Apprentice?
Dionne: It was much like a Ciara album, fun at first but VERY short lived, and you can quote me on that.
Jesus Secretary: Well, you made a very interesting exit, care to explain?
Dionne: If you're referring to that coward grape headed hussy Lanethia Leakes, i'd rather not.
Jesus Secretary: Well lets discuss your relationship with Star Jones then
Dionne: Lets not.
Jesus Secretary: Well what would you like to discuss?
Dionne: Honey i dont know, my brain is dead.
Jesus Secretary: Well it was a pleasure to meet you Ms. Warwick
Dionne: The pleasure is all yours. *puts on purple frames and pumps out*

Daddy's Little Girl

Dear daddy,

     If you & mom are reading this it means you all finally received my Christmas card. I know its almost 2 months late, but you wouldn't believe how much shipping is and quite frankly, it cut into my new habit. As you can imagine i had a very snow white Christmas. There was enough coke on my dorm room desk to pay your mortgage until Jesus comes back. I'd also like to introduce you to 2 new additions to the family; Whitney & Gayle. Thats right daddy, I finally got the breast you've always wished mom had.
     Also, just a little update on my studies, i have changed my major from Pre-Med to Underwater Basket Weaving with a concentration in extra large baskets. I know its not exactly the vision you guys had for me but hey, look at the pic on this postcard...shit happens.

Hi, I'm Jesus' Secretary. Sadly daddy's little girl overdosed shortly after the last sentence. But no worries, her coke stash was divided evenly amongst her friends and co-snorters.

Patent Leather So Soft.

Peper Anne (formerly known as the artist who couldnt perform LIVE to save her life, Rihanna) finally released the viedo for "S&M". She literally caught us off guard with this suprise release. There i was massaging my reproductive organ when i learned the video had been released.
Of course i "finished up" before watching, but Ri-Ri did not disappoint her fans. (And by "fans" i mean the REAL ones who were present BEFORE Christopher Ike Brown played Dance Dance Revolution on her face, & the ones who were there to ice her swollen yes afterwards. It was so much spandex and patent leather in that video that my balls cried out "i yield, i yield, i cant hold out any longer".
Ri-Ri sported them Shirley Temple curls i love, givin her the appearance of a modern day Mary Magdalene. I, Jesus' secretary, approve this video.

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California King Dreads

Loneliness is a disease.

It impregnates the mind, 

Tortures the heart,

And ultimately chokes the spirit.

It amplifies the sound of silent tears,

When you think that no one can hear it.

God vs Science.

• Professor:
  You are a Christian, aren’t you, son?
• Student:
  Yes, sir.
• Professor:
  So, you believe in God?
• Student:
  Absolutely, sir.
• Professor:
  Is God good?
• Student:
  Sure.
• Professor:
  My brother died of cancer, even though he prayed to God to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But God didn’t. How is God good, then? Hmm?
• (Student was silent)
• Professor:
  You can’t answer, can you? Let’s start again, young fella. Is God good?
• Student:
  Yes.
• Professor:
  Is Satan good?
• Student:
  No.
• Professor:
  Where does Satan come from?
• Student:
  From.. God.
• Professor:
  That’s right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?
• Student:
  Yes.
• Professor:
  Evil is everywhere, isn’t it? And God did make everything. Correct?
• Student:
  Yes.
• Professor:
  So who created evil?
• (Student didn’t answer)
• Professor:
  Is there sickness? Immortality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don’t they?
• Student:
  Yes, sir.
• Professor:
  So, who created them?
• (Student had no answer)
• Professor:
  Science says you have 5 senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son.. have you ever seen God?
• Student:
  No, sir.
• Professor:
  Tell us if you have ever heard your God.
• Student:
  No, sir.
• Professor:
  Have you ever felt your God, tasted your God, smelt your God? Have you ever had any sensory perception of God, for that matter?
• Student:
  No, sir. I’m afraid I haven’t.
• Professor:
  Yet you still believe in Him?
• Student:
  Yes.
• Professor:
  According to empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, Science says your God doesn’t exist. What do you say to that, son?
• Student:
  Nothing. I only have my Faith.
• Professor:
  Yes, Faith. And that is the problem Science has.
• Student:
  Professor, is there such a thing as Heat?
• Professor:
  Yes.
• Student:
  And is there such a thing as Cold?
• Professor:
  Yes.
• Student:
  No, sir, there isn’t.
• (The Lecture Theatre became very quiet with this turn of events)
• Student:
  Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don’t have anything called cold. We can hit 458 Degrees below Zero which is no heat, but we can’t go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of Heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.
• (There was a pon-drop silence in the Lecture Theatre)
• Student:
  What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?
• Professor:
  Yes. What is night if there isn’t darkness?
• Student:
  You’re wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have Low Light, Normal Light, Bright Light, Flashing Light… But if you have No Light constantly, you have nothing and it’s called Darkness, isn’t it? In reality, darkness isn’t. If it is, You would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn’t you?
• Professor:
  So what is the point you are making, young man?
• Student:
  Sir, my point is, your Philosophical Premise is flawed.
• Professor:
  Flawed? Can you explain how?
• Student:
  Sir, you are working on the Premise of Duality. You argue there is Life and then there is Death, a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, Science can’t even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life, just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor, do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?
• Professor:
  If you are referring to the Natural Evolutionary Process, yes of course, I do.
• Student:
  Have you ever observed Evolution with your own eyes, sir?
• (The professor shook his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument was going)
• Student:
  Since no one has ever observed the Process of Evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a Scientist but a Preacher?
• (The class was in uproar)
• Student:
  Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor’s brain?
• (The class broke out into laughter)
• Student:
  Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor’s brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? .. No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established Rules of Empirical, Stable and Demonstrable Protocol, Science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures?
• (The room was silent. The Professor stared at the student, his face unfathomable)
• Professor:
  I guess you’ll have to take them on Faith, son.
• Student:
  That is it, sir.. exactly! The link between man and God is Faith. That is all that keeps things alive and moving!
• That student was Albert Einstein.

Random thoughts while on "the John".

1. I still cant believe that females shit. Its not very classy.

2. Are there such things as heated toilets? This water is cold.

3. Do woodchucks even chuck wood?

4. Why don't churches label pews with the appropriate cell phone carrier so we know who gets signal where?

5. Why do we have an appendix?

6. Does Wendy Williams put her wigs on a hanger at night?

7. Why does MAC use an apple and not a strawberry.

8. Soft ass toilet paper. This that shit them bears use.

9. Who wipes Rick Ross' ass?

10. I always sit here well after i'm done shittin even tho the smell is toxic.

11. Each of my balls have names: Cairo, and Egypt.

12. Where is my umbilical cord now? 

Lending a Helping Hand.

So this morning, at approximately 10:05, i was informed via radio that Tameka "Tiny-Washed Up" Cottle was caught "pleasuring" the infamous, used to be worth something T.I. while visiting him in his new home, an Arkansas State Prison. With that being said, i was found road-side and dead by 10:08. I think i speak for most when i say we are over T.I. and his apologetic ass. If he makes one more damn "im sorry" or "im only human" song, ima have 50 Tyson to off his damn top. Since Tiny likes to be so "hands on" she shoulda been puttin them same hands together and prayin for Kandi to experience what its actually like to have album sales. She ought to be a-fuckin-shamed of herself. If he's not even allowed to play with his own dick, what makes you think you can. Honey, we've done all we can to help you and the past tense that is your career. Gurl,, ts time for you to call home cuz you done lost yourself in this world. She prolly woulda been better off just suckin it. I hear protein does the lip good.

A Sinner's Prayer.

Dear infant, toddler, adolescent, teenage, and elderly Jesus,

I figured i'd just address all of you to prevent this prayer from being returned like that check i used to pay my tithes last week. Anyhow anyway lord, here i am about to begin yet another year upon your green Earth. Now before I begin, i would just like you to confirm my identity. Nothing personal, but I would hate for you to mistake me for the Jatavius 2 streets over lord, for he sells drugs, but no sin is greater than the other *lights blunt*. I ask that you bind up this spirit of promiscuousness, please help me to go by the guidelines we set last New Year's which was Paying Customers Only. You'll also be pleased to know that i've decided to start attending church again. The bible says "seek & you shall find" so i am doing just that. I heard through the grapevine that the church house is home to plenty of eye candy with benefits & 401ks. Further more...hold that though Lord, its a damn Jehovah's Witness at the door. *cocks pistol* 

(10minutes later) 

I'm back lord, i apologize for that brief intermission for i know that you are a very busy man. I bet your phone is ringing off the hook wit them Maury contestants. Or how bout the Christians who send you those 2hr prayers. Awful right? But with all this said, i ask that you watch over and keep my family and i throughout this year. Its a lot of crazy people in this world including myself, but im a different kind of crazy. Then again you created me so you already knew that. Well God, i have to go now. I put my Beyonce DVD on pause for this and quite frankly i have to pee. Hope to hear from you soon. 

Love, 

Your Child.